For some reason, lately I’ve been hearing a lot about upcoming movies, so I figured it was a sign. Someone was telling me, “Craig….write an article about all the ridiculous movies you’ve heard about.” So let’s take a look at some of the trash you’re going to see advertised in the coming months.

Kung Fu U

This is going to be a kiddie film starring Hulk Hogan and Kimbo Slice as two huge guys (typecast?) who teach a bunch of rich kids self defense, but end up learning a lot from them, too. Awwww. Hulk Hogan is old and not funny, his family has pretty much fallen apart, his jerkface son is in the slammer, and Kimbo Slice is an MMA “star” with forearms as big as his biceps who got famous for beating the crap out of fat, out-of-shape people 3 times smaller than him, betting on the fights, filming them, and putting them on YouTube. Oh, and Kimbo also used to be a bodyguard for a porn studio. Don’t get me wrong, Kimbo has a fascinating life story, and much respect to the guy for doing anything and everything he could to keep his kids fed. But just what is the lesson here? “Kids, beat the snot out of fat people and bet on the fights, and you too can be in crappy movies!”

Venom

Finally, Sony figures out what every single comic book fan knew all along – VENOM DESERVES HIS OWN MOVIE! After the atrocious treatment given the character in Emo-Man 3, this has to happen, and it has to deliver. Of course, there may be a problem with attracting the casual fan, as the name “Venom” was never uttered in Emo-Man 3, he was referred to as simply, “The Symbiote.” Which caused me to bang my head on the nearest wall several times. Also, the not-intimidating-in-any-way Topher Grace will likely not be in the title role.

The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior

This sequel to a spinoff — how can it miss? — doesn’t even have The Rock in it, we get washed-up MMA star Randy “The Natural” Couture as the big bad villain. What is the deal with this MMA trend? I guess once your stars get put in crappy straight-to-DVD movies, you’ve arrived. At least Randy has a nickname. Catch this one on DVD August 19. Or do yourself a favor, and don’t.

Austin Powers 4

Yes, Mike Meyers is going to do a fouth Austin Powers movie. This one is going to be all about Dr. and Scott Evil. The last 2 movies were already all about Dr. Evil, because he is much funnier than Austin. Besides, every joke Meyers can come up with has already been done, and even rehashed in The Love Guru, so why embarass yourself further? Also, if there’s no Mini-Me, count me out, and how could he find time for this movie, what with all the sex tapes with his girlfriend and then suing her over it?

That should give you a pretty good idea of what we have in store for us. Thank you, Hollywood, for not taking the time and energy to come up with original ideas! Please, do not strain yourself for the sake of the pissant consumer. We will take our sequels/prequels/spinoffs and we will like them and ask for more.